Before we look at what a child is doing, it helps to notice what is happening inside the adult who is responding.
When a child ignores an instruction or the house becomes noisy, our body can tighten before we choose our words. An old story may appear: “I am failing,” or “I have lost authority.” We can become curious about that inner moment without shaming ourselves.
1. Wholeness is not perfection
Wholeness is not the absence of pain or a perfect parenting performance. It means bringing body, emotions, relationships and faith into honest attention. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 offers language for care of the whole person. Emotional struggle does not mean weak faith, and prayer does not remove the need for medical or therapeutic care where it is appropriate.
Reflect: Am I looking composed while carrying hurt, exhaustion or resentment that needs attention?
2. Elijah, exhaustion and God's care
Read 1 Kings 18–19. After his remarkable experience on Mount Carmel, Elijah runs in fear, withdraws, speaks from despair and falls asleep. We can learn from this account without giving Elijah a modern diagnosis.
In 1 Kings 19:5–18, God's care includes sleep, food, water, presence, questions, perspective, renewed purpose and shared ministry. Care came before another assignment. This reminds caregivers that nourishment, rest and help are not distractions from their responsibilities.
3. What the research tells us
Child development research shows the importance of responsive relationships in helping children develop emotional regulation. Many children first need a calm, supportive adult to help them navigate big feelings. This is called co-regulation. Stress and exhaustion can reduce an adult's capacity to pause and respond flexibly. Supporting the caregiver also supports the caregiving relationship.
Being connected does not mean being permissive. A warm response can still hold clear and appropriate boundaries. These principles should never be used to blame parents whose lives include financial pressure, disability, health needs or limited support.
4. What are you carrying that is not about this child?
Unprocessed hurt can affect our tone. Resentment can narrow our compassion, and exhaustion can intensify a reaction. Hebrews 12:15 warns about bitterness taking root, while Ephesians 6:4 cautions fathers against provoking their children. The broader principle of respectful care speaks to every caregiver.
Sometimes the pattern is trigger → body alarm → old story → reaction → aftermath. Your child ignores an instruction, your body tenses, you think “They do not respect me,” you raise your voice, and later you feel disconnected. Noticing the pattern can create room for a different response.
5. The InnerScript six-step practice
Pause → Notice → Name → Renew → Practice → Become gives us a practical way to pay attention to that inner moment.
Make one small space before you respond. Breathe and ensure the child is safe.
What is happening in my body, thoughts and emotions?
What am I feeling, and what story am I believing?
What is true about God, me, my child and this moment? What am I carrying that is not about this child?
Try a calm, connected response while keeping an appropriate boundary: “I can see you are disappointed. The device still needs to be put away.”
Repeat the renewed response over time. Growth is a practice, not one perfect moment.
6. Rest and support are not weakness
Make room for sleep, nourishment, movement, prayer, honest conversations and shared responsibility where you can. Pastoral guidance, medical assessment and therapeutic care can support different needs. As a pharmacist, I want to affirm that seeking appropriate help is responsible stewardship.
7. Repair is part of discipleship
Children do not need flawless adults. They benefit from adults who take responsibility and return to connection. A repair might sound like, “I raised my voice. That was not healthy. I am sorry. The boundary still matters. Let's try again.” Repair also means changing harmful patterns, not simply apologising. When safety is at risk, seek protection and professional support.
8. Reflection and prayer
Read Psalm 139:23–24. Then ask: What am I carrying that shapes how I respond? Where do I need rest, support or healing? What would it look like to parent from truth in one situation this week?
Choose one small moment this week to pause, notice and renew before responding. You are allowed to begin again.
References and scope
Scripture: 1 Kings 18–19, 1 Thessalonians 5:23, Hebrews 12:15, Ephesians 6:4 and Psalm 139:23–24. Further reading: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, American Academy of Pediatrics and MyHealth Alberta.
Adapted from the presentation The Inner World of the Parent, prepared by Tolu Okubote for a parent group. This is educational information, not personal medical or mental health advice.